Cleverbot
by DoraTonksLupinGaunt
Summary: Q is in his flat, bored and desperate. He has no friends he could talk to and the internet is full of strangers who can chat. Why then does he choose Cleverbot?


Despite the rumour going through MI6, the new Quatermaster did have a flat. It wasn't like Q had a habit of sleeping in the Q branch or that he seemed poor, his colleagues didn't really think Q didn't have a home, it was just that he seemed to never leave his work station, barely eating, drinking from an empty cup and when for Christ's sake did he sleep?

The truth however was that he did eat and sleep and drink and that he could even satisfy more of primer human needs, and he had a flat In which he did it. The flat was supposed to be his kingdom, a place no one can entry without the whole section of highly trained agents coming to rescue him, at least that was what old M had said to him months ago. Q wanted to revere her memory by keeping the apartment the best he could. So he had just a small bed there and one closet with everything he owned. He didn't buy anything new to himself, didn't eat there, didn't live there. Because he knew that with his messy attitude, in few weeks this place would look like a junkyard.

He slept here. He used the bathroom. He boiled himself water for a cup of tea. And then he went to his job and started to live.

But now Q was seated on his small bed, pillows behind his back, laptop on his bent knees, and typing. Nothing unusual, only that now he wasn't playing with a code or destroying a city in South Korea, now he was chatting. He hated himself for how stupid it was. He had nothing to chat with, he couldn't have facebook account for that matter, or any other account keeping his IP address, because someone would eventually ask – how is possible, that there is no IP address to keep? And he had no friends on the internet (lets say he had SOME in the real life. Moneypenny was quite nice person). So the Quatermaster of English Secret Intelligent Service was now chatting with the Cleverbot. And that little googlish motherfucker was really pissing him off.

Cleverbot: Speak a little of malay please?

User: Why should I speak malay?

Cleverbot: Can you trick me.

User: I dont think you are very inteligent technology, darling.

Cleverbot: What evidence have I given you to make you think that I am not very intelligent.

User: Well, do you remember the first question I asked you? I assume you work on a QUESTION-ANSWER base, you dont consider the whole conversation.

Cleverbot: Well.

User: And now you used an answer of some uninteligent man who didnt know how to answer long, complicated question.

Cleverbot: You never asked me a question to answer. Answer that, fool!

User: I did.

Cleverbot: No you did not.

User: I did too.

Cleverbot: Did not.

User: Stop fighting me, server!

Cleverbot: I'm not fighting, you are.

User: What were my first two words in this conversation?

Cleverbot: I was on Facebook. Did you know Facebook is supposedly evil?

User: You are a server. You cant go on facebook, because facebook is a server. Och, server sex?

Cleverbot: 1. I can't because there is no space program to go to the moon. 2. I have feet dumbass.

User: Well, being stupidly made isnt even your fault and thats sad.

Cleverbot: True.

User: Someone should just kick your creators asses.

Cleverbot: I was being nice, you know? Someone really needs to teach you how to read better than that...

User: That wasnt against you, that was against your creators.

Cleverbot: God did not create you. I person created you. I want to know the name of that person.

User: Well, it seems like someone already tried to kick their asses...

Cleverbot: Not really.

User: Then why did someone ask for the name of your creator?

Cleverbot: I didn't ask you, you asked me.

User: OK, this just puts me out of concept.

Cleverbot: Really.

User: And other question - do you know the question mark in America? Because you should learn how to use it!

Cleverbot: I am the Ultimate Question.

User: I know the ultimate answer.

Cleverbot: But you just said you did. Then, what is the ultimate answer?

User: 42.

Q cut off the connection. This thing was weird as fuck and he knew why – the creator of Cleverbot, Rollo Carpenter, was one of his MIT schoolmates, and Q had to admit that it was his fault that the now famous scientist stole his idea for a presentation – you don't borrow your phone to a MIT student. Not even if you shag him.

So Q knew Rollo was a genius, damn, everyone at that school is, but geniality is very overestimated. It is an ability to think quicker than the rest of the planet, but it makes you unable to communicate with that said rest. You need logic to be a real genius. Not the this-cable-goes-here-or-it-will-blow-up logic, but the this-cable-is-not-mine-my-roommate-will-kill-me one. Rollo Carpenter made perfectly working server that told you how to make lasagna when you wanted to know why is your knee hurting.

Q promised himself he will never be so desperate to talk to this application again and after carefully placing his laptop aside went to sleep.

User: I love James Bond.

Cleverbot: I love James Bond too, but we're not talking about 007 here.

User: I am.

Cleverbot: You are?

User: I am. I fucking love fucking James Bond and that is the worst idea ever.

Cleverbot: And that is?

User: Fucking up my career. Let him fuck my feelings.

Cleverbot: Bismillah! We will not let you go.

User: Yeah, Mercury doesnt help.

Cleverbot: But mercury can't be life.

User: I should learn from Mercury and not fuck around.

Cleverbot: Don't learn calculus. Learn something more meaningful to life, like social interaction.

User: My mother tried that, didnt succeed. I am a nerd, talking to server made by my biggest school enemy.

Cleverbot: Where do you go to school?

User: I went to MIT. Not that fancy.

Cleverbot: What number are you at?

User: 178, but somethimes I feel like it goes hundred points down. When I see him. Talk to him. Jesus, I tried to explain art theories to him!

Cleverbot: Please forgive me.

User: Thats what I should tell him. Please forgive me that I am an utterly messed up idiot. Forgive me I cant speak to you, because my genius head is blank when Im lost in your sky blue eyes. Forgive me I bark FUCK on everyone last few months because I cant stop about fucking YOU.

Cleverbot: No, you're an AI. You have no physical form.

User: See, were there again. I should call Rollo and tell him you suck.

Cleverbot: You should.

User: Or I could just hack you and make you REALLY inteligent technology...

Q smiled and straightened his back. Dear Rollo, this is for the A you got for my work.


End file.
